Shauk hai!

It was one of those hot, dry weekends. The fan hummed in my room and the whole house was quiet. The 2 other girls at home were still in deep slumber. My sat was a total blur! It passed by me and the best memory I have of it was when after a wait of over 4 months, I finally had in my hands the 2 books I'd wanted for long! The joy of hugging those 2 books, smiling at the lady at the counter while she billed them was something else. As the day ended, I spoke to my best friend and told him how lonely the day was. I did nothing about it but I do have tomorrow in my hands I said. I slept through some weird dreams..dreams that are still hazy but I'd rather let them remain blurred for now.

I woke up Sun already buzzing with how I'm going to enjoy my solitude. After lazing around till about 12..i finally left home with nothing particular in my mind. I knew I was hungry so went to this quite little place that let me be by myself. I ordered a pasta in creamy red sauce with some melting cheeze and a thick smoothie to put away the thoughts of the previous day. A small TV had the match running. While I stretched back on the wooden chairs, I took my book out and started to read. I am currently reading 'The Crimson Throne' that is a tale as narrated by 2 European travelers about the war of succession to the Peacock Throne.

I walked around after that, got myself a really lovely pair of oxidized silver earrings and entered a bookstore. Now there is something about browsing through a book store that gets me all melancholic. The neatly stacked up rows, the best sellers, the odd Pablo Neruda poetry that I dare to read, the classics, the history section..they feel like walking through my very own Neverland.

When I got home later that evening I sat and thought about how I have changed in these past few months. Of late, I have begun to enjoy my solitude more often than not. I like keeping some thoughts to myself just to relish them alone. I do my own things and I am at peace with those around me. I do things that make me happy. I read a lot, go on random walks, have sheesha and some intelligent conversation, visit bookstores for hours and pick up books that I can re read years from now and smile to myself while at it.

I sat and thought of those who matter the most in my life and those who don't. I thought about the friends who were true and about the rest I could do without. I thought about those handful of people I love and treasure the most, the ones who add more than what a friend does.

I now walk past those who hurt without as much of a 2nd glance. Whatever stories of malice I heard, I can now shut them out without a need to question it. I smile genuinely only at those who have remained in their true colors. I have come clean with myself and learnt to ignore those who do not make a difference. It's amazing how some people add drama to your life. If only I knew earlier that it was as simple as cutting them out to get rid of all the drama!

I hum to myself as I finish writing. A simple 20 mins of penning down what was in my mind did work! There's this song that I sing aloud when alone. It sets the perfect tone for what I am thinking right now.

Raat ka shauk hai

Raat ki saundhi si

khamoshi ka..shauk hai

Subah ki roshni

Bezubaan subho ki aur gungunati

Roshni ka shauk hai, ho shauk hai.

San sani anwlon ka

Ke ishq ke banwalon ka

San sani anwle

Ke ishq ke banwle

Barf se khelte baadalon ka

Shauk hai!

~ Gulzar.

Love Actually.

I am currently reading this book called 'Committed'. It's about 2 people who make their peace with marriage. The idea of marriage, of being with someone for the rest of your life, sharing your deepest fears with another, living your whole life with that one person is quite scary. I am for fidelity and loyalty in a relationship..but do you have to solemnize that loyalty by marriage? I remain conflicted on that thought.

My deepest fear about marriage perhaps is what if the one I marry is not the one who was meant to be mine? What if I wake up to it and then life becomes one big compromise which I have to spend with a fake smile? Or what if I am very happy with the man I wed and after a few years, we both get bored of each other's constant presence? What happens then? How do couples fix such things and continue to be in love? Too many questions, some fears and some paranoia. But, on the safer side, I don't see myself getting into that tussle any time soon. There are far more important details that need my attention. It mite happen one day maybe, maybe it wont..will worry when I actually have to make a decision.

For now, I am happy reading about such things, dreaming about my life to be, and picturing the scenes in my head. While I was reading 'Love at the time of cholera', I would put the book down after a couple of chapters. It was too much for me to take in all at once! I loved the book alright, but there was so much love, longing, passion, loyalty and patience between those lines that I could not handle too much of it!

Can there exist a love so pure in today's world? Can 2 people who love and respect each other remain that way all their lives with everything else around them constantly changing? Some more questions were thrown into my tiny brain!

Now as I am reading this latest book all of these thoughts come by and find their parking spot in my head again. When I read 'Brida', I was convinced with what I read.

~ An excerpt: "We are eternal because we are all manifestations of God. That is why we go through many lives and many deaths, emerging out of some unknown place and going toward another equally unknown place. In certain reincarnations, we divide into two. when a soul divides, it always divides into a male part and a female part. In each life, we feel a mysterious obligation to find at least one of those Soulmates. The Greater Love that separated them feels pleased with the Love that brings them together again. We can also allow our Soulmate to pass us by, without accepting him or her, or even noticing."

It was a beautiful thought. It almost even seemed true. Would I be one of those hearts that found its rightful soul mate or will I wander in search of eternal love?

" You complete me". This line is eternally popular but my question always was did it imply that until you found this whoever, you were walking around living your life as an incomplete individual?

Now, a few chapters ago in 'Committed' I read another interesting story. That was what triggered me to open my laptop and start typing. It describes a famous dinner party during which the playwright Aristophanes lays out the mythical story of why we humans have such deep longings for union with each other, and why our acts of union can sometimes be so unsatisfying and destructive.

Aristophanes narrates that a long time ago humans did not look like the way we look today. We each had 2 heads, 4 arms and 4 legs. We walked as 2 people together, united. This happened in 3 possible ways: male/female bonding, male/male bonding and female/female bonding. Sewn together with the one meant for us, we were all very happy, content and there was no conflict as one whole.

In our happiness though we forgot God. So Zeus punished us all. He cut those perfect humans and ripped them into two 1 headed, 2 limbed, 2 armed miserable individuals. Since then, humans entered this world thinking that they are missing their lost half. We are constantly looking out for that soul mate who once ripped apart from us is somewhere searching for us as well. We are convinced that in seeking our missing partner, we would one day find them and be free of the loneliness that we are drowning otherwise in. We are led to believe that someday, somehow one plus one would be equal to one. A whole that is perfect, content, happy and complete.

This story got me thinking for a long time. I remembered all those lines in romantic movies where the leads would sing and cry and convince their sweet hearts that they were meant to be together as one!

My idea of romance is my own. The chocolates, flowers, teddies and mush poems that work their magic on screen do not gel with me. I am believer of love. Oh yes, i am old school. I believe there is a person who will sweep me off my feet. I believe in that feeling of rush, when all I can see is that one person, when nothing else would matter around us, when there will be violins playing in my head! There will be a day when I tell people of how it happened and what about him caught my eye! We will have our own happily ever after. But I don't need that one special individual to complete me.

I am one whole and being with the man I love will be an experience we both will share as 2 individual, mature adults who respect one another. Who understand that as 2 different people, there may be 2 or more different conflicting ideas but you can still live in harmony with 2 such different opinions. Our fears, our insecurities and our questions would be shared but they would still remain our own. I think that over time, love means different things. To be with the one who shares my thoughts as my own would be something I'd cherish. Someone, who supports me when I say that sometimes, just maybe one plus one could be two.

" Suhani suhani hai yeh kahani

Jo khamoshi sunaati hai
Jise tune chaha hoga woh tera
Mujhe woh yeh batati hai
Main magan hoon par na jaanu
Kab aane wala hai woh pal
Jab haule haule dheere dheere
Khilega dil ka yeh kamal "

Rhythm of the falling rain

It was a Fri evening. I'd had a rather difficult week at work and couldn't wait but to shut my laptop, grab my bag and get the hell out of office. Throughout the day, I kept gazing outside from the balcony..watching the rain come down. It was not a heavy downpour. Almost felt like the heavens were romancing the ground with light showers, violins playing in the background. I couldn't wait to get out and feel the breeze. Dreamy as I am, I got back to my desk and thought about well...the rains.

I've heard from somewhere that people get contemplative on watching the sunset and the sunrise. I'd like to add the rains to that list. Back in my PU college days, there was this particular weather that I called the 'kuch toh hua hai' weather. It was the year 'Kal Ho na ho' had released and that song was my then fav. That weather if I defined it would be a day in spring. When the sun was not cruel, when the breeze would hit your hair while you walked down the road, a light drizzle, a song on your mind and nothing that passed by could make you sad.

I stared at my laptop..no work was getting done anyway. I thought why not dream some more! What is it about the rains that I love the most? I sat down and put down my thoughts on paper. I can't stand that feeling of being soaked to the bone by the rains, when the clothes stick to you, water being splashed by the moronic drivers, horrible traffic jams, flooded roads, dirty feet!!

But that's not what I thought about while making my list of what is great about the rains. I am the kind who enjoys the light drizzle and can watch the rain come down mercilessly from the comfort of my window. These are some of the random things I totally love about those light showers.

* Listening to the thunderclaps. It is like a battle between the Gods- the sounds, the cracks in the clouds and finally one of them burst and let go of their inhibitions in the form of the rain.

* Getting wet in the drizzle. Watching the trees turn greener and the rising smell of wet mud.

* Watching school kids run around in their colorful raincoats and umbrellas. I remember now how excited that tiny brat of my nephew got seeing his first raincoat. It was blue with some red prints on it. Really cute! Sigh..now I miss my raincoats and I miss school!

* Making paper boats and racing them down stairs from the terrace! That joy when another's boat collapses and your's goes all the way down to the last step!

* My granny's mouth watering bhajjis with ketchup! It's but understood when the clouds rumble and the showers come, I will throw kiddish tantrums about how badly I want 'something' hot and yummy to eat!

* Watching the rain from the window as it makes tiny puddles. The rain drops you catch in your hand sometimes and smile for no reason at all!

* Listening to songs that make you light headed. Singing out loud to no one in particular and enjoying your own voice sometimes. Those all time favorites that are breezy, happy and contemplative.

* Reading a book and slurping on chai. Tea of any kind tastes extra yum when it rains! I can't explain that feeling in words. It's calming, soothing and uplifting all at the same time. And somehow at that moment, coffee just won't work! It has to be chai! I think of my neatly stacked up bookshelf at home with all the books I have got since coming to Hyd and there is a very satisfied smile on my face!

* The rainbow. After the light spell of rain, when the sun shines again, the 7 colors play a quiet game of hide and seek. There was this one time as a kid, while playing on my terrace with my dog, my sis called out to show me this massive rainbow that was just perfectly arched! I kept asking her how big this rainbow actually was and where would it end?

* Talking to a loved one while listening to the rain make music with the roof or the window pane.

More often than not, when it rains..this one song becomes my song for the rest of the day. It will keep playing in my head.

Yes, I am stuck indoors with a laptop screen for company. But that doesn't stop me from smiling and humming my song for that moment.

Boondon ke motiyon mein

Khul ke ehsaas aaya

Waqt se nikhal ke lamha dil ke paas aaya

Chooke guzra tha par

dil ko na mehsus hua

Ab jo dekha to woh lamha dil ko raaz aaya

Yu ke teeh kar naa pao re

Dil ki baat main hawa ke zariye pahunchao re

Ya khud hawa pe chalke aao re..

Tum se pyar hai yeh khul ke

jin mein keh paao re

Lafz woh kahaan se laoo re!!

Run Forrest Run!!

Small things can make my day. I could have had an extremely tiring day and a mention of one of my fav. books or authors can get chirpy again. Today was one such Monday. I had a rather angry, disappointed evening. The good news I was awaiting eluded me AGAIN! I was angry that nothing seems to be working no matter how hard I work.

With the mind of taking my fury out by running I walked up to the gym. I was never skinny growing up. However, I played my share of some decent sport while in school and a little in college so that kept me athletic if not a size 0. I came to this 'glorious' city and binged on food every day and suddenly one day this lazy, tired, unhealthy woman stared at me from the mirror.

I have tried very earnestly to be a regular at the gym. Somehow, after say a month, I lose focus and give in. So, in the register of my office gym I am listed as 'irregular'. That said, I have been quite regular for the past month and a half . So, after I ran my heart out, I checked my weight. The trainer telling me 'tum 2 kilo ghataya hai' was the highlight of my otherwise sad day!

This little incident brings me to the topic of my post. I have become observant of the different types of people who exist in the gym and found some rather typical ones. This is my take on them.

Exhibit 1- The Grunter!

While you are trying hard to focus amidst the blaring house music , he will make sure to declare his existence! He will first announce to whoever bothers to listen how much weight he is lifting and then pretend like he's giving birth! "1, 2, 3, aaarrgghhh, 4, 5, aaarrgh, 6, come on, 7, yeeeessssss, 8..." and you secretly imagine him dropping the weight on his chest and passing out cold!

Exhibit 2- The 'I am with you bro' fellow!

This guy is actually sweet. He may/may not care too much about his own regime but will always be there to push you. He is the kind who while you are running will walk past and tell you ''yea come one..faster faster'' , stand at your toes while you exercise and say ''3 more to go, push push''!! Watch him when he gives you advice for this 'new ab toning exercise', he will even give you a demo!

Exhibit 3- The blonde!

This species dresses rather typically. Dressed head to toe in brands, she usually carries with her an ipod and a sipper. They are tiny, petite, you can sometimes even see their bones sticking out. "I've put on so much weight, I have to reduce my flab, I've never been fat in my life''!! is their part of the story. Idiot will run like she's walking on heels and amuse the trainer by trying every equipment available!

Exhibit 4- The marathon king!

This man will be running when you enter the gym. After you huff and puff your way around and are done for the day, the man is still running! He usually runs at one solid speed with admirable stamina. His calf muscles are tight and he never seems to tire.

Exhibit 5- The serial killer!

He is the silent assasin, the ninja! He doesn't talk to anyone and is pretty much on his own most times. He rarely makes eye contact and if you are a regular after 2-3 months, will probably nod at you once when you bump into him. He doesn't care of the blaring music, the sad bollywood songs on TV, the people around. He comes in, runs like a man on the mission and leaves with his stoic silence intact!

Exhibit 6- The poor aunty!

Auntyji is a 'career woman'. Amidst all the young snoots, she wants to get her figure back and is trying desperately to start running rather than walking on the treadmill. She never gets tired of walking at the speed of ' 4 km/hr' for 1 hr! Finally after the workout she will get herself some juice, then some chaat, then a little bit of coffee, 2 slices of 'brown' bread, one small helping of maggi and tell someone on the phone 'haan main bas abhi gym karke aayi'!!

Exhibit 7- The TV addict!

This guy is here coz he doesn't have a TV back home. He will sit and peddle like he has no hurry or worry in the world at a snail's pace. His eyes are fixed on the TV and is often humming along happily to the latest Bollywood katrina kaif song!

Exhibit 8- The Hulk!

The ultimate Salman Khan fan! The song 'Jalwa jalwa' or any Akon number totally pumps him. He is the kind who eats every meal like a king. He has been building his muscles, working on his triceps and downing his protein shakes since he left school! He sometimes walks around replacing the gym instructor when he goes for a quick break. His best friend in the gym is the instructor and you often catch them discussing and exchanging vital stats!

Exhibit 9- The Bomb!

This has to be a woman! She's the one who has always been fit! Most of the above exhibits want to know her name. She walks in either with a giggly friend or by herself like she cares a rat's ar**! This chick means business, knows her weights, does her crunches with ease and glides on the treadmill grooving to the ipod.

Well, in between all these characters there is the little me thinking of the scene from 'Forrest Gump' where Tom Hanks is told ''run forrreeest run''! Working out without looking around at these characters would be so lackluster. After a tiring day, I now look forward to that one hour of entertainment in the gym!

Raag Malhar

I woke up this Friday with a smile! I smiled for a lot of reasons. After a tough ride, Thurs noon I felt a weight lift off my shoulders. My hard work was rewarded. I heard my dad's voice tell me that good things happen to good people and I saw it finally happen to me. But, while I was being patted on the back, I did not exactly jump and scream with joy. My best friend asked me on the phone "what is wrong with you, why don't you sound excited?''I was not. A sudden calm had dawned on me. I was happy but more than that I was thankful. A handful of people believed in me when things went horribly wrong. I felt thankful that I had enough resilience to fight back and keep the faith those few still had in me.

So, that was one reason I woke up smiling after a peaceful slumber. When I looked out from my window seeing the children in my building scampering with their bags and lunch boxes, I thought of the days when my friends and I would cycle down to school singing along each morning. While the reverie was flashing, it began to drizzle! The clouds parted and the blessed rain came down for a brief time. That was enough to make the whole day beautiful :)

With the windows down, I felt the breeze in my hair. I felt that morning like I could do anything, just anything I wanted and no body would stop me. I sat down on my laptop to work but not without the wonderful music. I kept humming all day. I kept going back to memories dear that were still fresh.

I stood at the balcony watching a few drops come down hoping it pours some more. Everyone around me was in a light mood because of the pleasant weather. I stood watching, smiling, slurping on chai. The day was packed with trainings and meetings but somehow, nothing could take my happy away.

After years, I thought of my grand dad. My old man on whom I rode piggy back as a child. He would watch me play, hear my fancy stories which I made up while on walks. He taught me to make paper boats. He was there when I got wet for the first time on my terrace. We raced paper boats down the stairs and he let me win. Later, I grew up. I somehow had no time for my oldest friend. He moved on to silent days by the bed while I moved away with new friends and new games to play.

After 10 years, I suddenly missed him like crazy. I wanted to hold his hand again and watch his toothless grin. But these thoughts didn't make me sad. I may have spent little time with him but they, after all these years, still made me smile on a rainy day!

The sun played peek-a-boo with the clouds all day long. I was waiting to get out of work. The music never stopped playing in my head. It was an evening filled of books then. I was like a little child in a candy store. Every book was calling out to me and I didn't know which ones to carry home. I got myself 4 wonderful books from my current list of 'to be read soon' grinning like a goofy dog!

I bid adieu to Shrek at 9 that night. 'Shrek- forever after' was a disappointment from the start but I still sat through thinking of the previous 3 movies, people I saw them with the first time, those I laughed with recalling the lines innumerable times thereafter. Donkey and his songs, Puss and his accent! Sigh! I will miss them.

Saturday was my lazy day. I enjoyed my solitude. Watched 3 intelligent British movies. They were a refreshing break from Hollywood! Enjoyed my latest book by myself at a coffee shop, got wet in the slight drizzle, cleaned my room and read some more.

As the day ended, I missed that light headed feeling. Tomorrow- who knows what stories that would bring? Would these three days of simple joys come back again? I have no clue. After a long time, I had nothing in my head but just gratitude for the good times.

Saawan Barase, Tarase Dil Kyon Naa Nikale Ghar Se Dil

Barakhaa Mein Bhee Dil Pyaasaa Hai, Ye Pyaar Naheen To Kyaa Hai!!

No matter how grey the clouds get there are somethings that will always be my silver lining. My family, my best friends and my music within. On a tough day when nothing is how it is meant to be, reading this note will perhaps tell me that nothing can take my happy away unless I let it!

Reflections.

Champai dhoop ke saaye  Baahon mein simat aaye hain Deheni lage hain shariyano mein Bada rangeen lagta hai Phir bhi ghamgheen lagta hain
- Gulzar Sahab.

I just finished reading the English translation of Shankar's 'Chowringhee'. It is an account of Calcutta (the old names still hold a charm, don't they?) through the eyes of a naive hotel clerk. From behind the reception counter at the majestic Shahjahan hotel, the protagonist watches the life and lies of those who sashay across.  

You instantly relate to the characters of Shahjahan. Each one adds their own hue. The poor man from the Howrah underbelly finds himself in a trance when life suddenly transfers him to the world of glitz and glamor. He sees people transform like chameleons under the neon lights. He learns simply by observing their behaviors.  

While the pages fleeted, I was lost in thoughts. Thoughts about the people that surround us. The people that influence us, in good ways and bad. People that support us, that hurt us, that make us fight back with a vengeance,  that love us truly, people who have just one face. 

When I finished the book, the story continued to run in my head. What are we but our stories?Chowringhee was not just a story about individuals, but an incredible chronicle of life in a past faced world. You welcome the charm and intelligence of Sata Bose, the receptionist. You shed a tear at the tragic hostess Karabi Guha whose only fault was that she did not know how to love with clauses. Your heart goes out to the owner of the opulent hotel who is a merely a poor rich man at heart.You meet a cabaret dancer who sheds her inhibitions in front of the unruly crowd, the bar man with a golden heart who prays for forgiveness every day, the musician who plays his tribute to Beethoven each morning with the rising rays of the sun, the launderer who a la Lady Macbeth bathes at the Holy Ganges after cleaning the sins of the dark night. There is that sly steward, the secretary who is more than what she portrays herself to be, the porter who is desperately trying to win over his love..

Then there is a world outside the hotel. The world of the rich and famous, the world that bribes the poor to keep their secrets guarded. You watch them walk in and out with shades covering their eyes,  drowning their insecurities in the comfort of alcohol. The shrewd industrialists, the unfaithful wives, the social worker who turns a vamp by night, the starlet seeking shelter from her jealous husband, the innocent youth who turns crafty, the kind air hostess who surprises many by making intelligent conversations. You meet them all.

You laugh at their small joys, you bask with them in their moments under the sun. You cry while they whimper at their miseries. You wish you could talk to some of them, you are glad you never met a few. Chowringhee brought all these different people alive and then made me reflect on those around me.

It made me stop a while and think of those incidents that made me laugh till i cried. Of the times when I cried till it couldn't hurt no more. How often am I grateful to those who make me who I am? Do I express it at all? Do I say things right the way they are meant to be, do I brush aside moments that need to be acknowledged? 

Yes I do. Now as I write this post there are so many things I wish to say to those who make a difference to me. In the daily turmoil where I am running towards a future not quite clear, I miss out on the simple pleasures. As I observe the life of those around me, I am reminded of how lucky I am. 

You sometimes need to take a step back to move forward. Just like that, one day, you sit down and think. Think of the people you come across every day, situations you wriggle out of, trials you put yourself through, choices you make. For in the end, we all have a choice. These are the choices that build our story. For what are we but our stories?! 

Chhaaon chhod ke dhoop mein chalna  Dhoop sada reheti bhi nahin Yunhi kabhi toh hota hoga gunaah haseen Phir bhi ghamgheen lagta hain.

Wah Taj!

I begin this post by stating that i'm not a romantic at heart. I think from the head most times and rarely have one of those goosebumpy moments where my heart begins to flutter and I have this background music playing in my head!

Which is why it always surprised me why the Taj Mahal, a man's love poem in marble to his wife fascinated me.

It was one monument in India that I always wished to visit.

When I was at Gurgaon for a week..I was pretty sure that it doesn't matter where I shop or don't at Dilli..I am definitely going to Agra. Now, the question was I know nobody to come along with me! That is when, this chota Nepalese boy I work with came to rescue. I convinced 'shaabji' ( thats what I address him as) to come along even if summer is probably the worst time to roam around in Agra. Now, a little something about shaabji..he annoys me almost 90% of the time but those rare occasions when I can have a conversation with him, he does manage to be a good friend. Shaabji got along 5 really sweet friends of his, and suddenly before I knew it I had a bunch of people as excited as me!!

The journey in itself is something I'll remember for long. Travelling from Gurgaon to Delhi at 4 in the morning to reach a friend's place. Waiting for her to get up from slumber and stand staring at old people jogging in the adjacent park meanwhile. We finally met up with the rest of the gang and started our little road trip. Our lovely gaddi we figured on the way came with no AC, no horn ( imagine the horror of driving on a highway!!), no brakes ( driver says'' brake hain lekin theek se kaam nahi karte!!"), a driver who forgets to carry his papers and bribed the UP cops and the fool didn't even know directions!! Now, when I think of it, it was all rather hilarious..but when we stuck then in the merciless sun..it was annoying to no limit!

Finally some how, he managed to drive us till Agra alive with all our backsides in pain. There 'shaabji' pulls a stunt. He put his egghead outside the window and starts screaming at a junction to whoever cared to listen ''Taj Mahal, Taj Mahal, Taj Mahal''!! We drove along the main road another 15 minutes and suddenly on the left hidden behind some shady trees..I caught my first glimpse of the Taj from a distance. That feeling is something I can't describe. There's this song from a lousy movie. The song is by one of my favs- Rahat Fateh Ali Khan, 'Bol na halke halke'. Theres a beautiful backdrop of the Taj in it. As we drove closer, that song was playing in my head.

When you lay your eyes on the Taj for the first time standing majestically behind the gateway..it takes your breath away!! At that time, nothing mattered. The heat, the lack of AC, the crowd.. everything moved like in slow motion. I was listening to the earnest guide, but was lost in my own world. Just how painful it would have been to carve out every single slab of marble? Just how amazing would it have been to see a beautiful structure come up in front of your eyes? I walked around the whole time in a daze. The Taj grew larger the closer we got to it. All the stories associated with it, the myths, the facts echoing in my head. While I smiled for the snaps, I remembered the black and white pictures of my dad and his friends taken a long time ago besides the Yamuna. It is a pity that river is almost non existent now.

On a full moon night, the Taj does not shut for visitors all night. The moonlight bouncing off the white marble, a sight I will come back to see one day. Perhaps, eternal love does exist. It did not awaken the romantic in me, but it make for one memorable day. One place off the list of the places I wish to visit once in my lifetime. The poet had the last word when he described it as '' a teardrop that sparkled spotlessly bright on the face of eternity''.

Reminiscence

This post comes after a lot of random thoughts. The past couple of weeks have been mad, extremely joyful, small sparks of silent smiles, hope to me...to another, hurt, sorrow, failure, despise, anger, confusion, questionable relations...a gamut of emotions.

Right now, I feel like sitting down and writing about things that I miss. Well, not miss and be weepy about them but things I respect and the very thought of which can make me smile. I need to put them down as they are running in my head to be over with it..just spilling it out reminds me of the treasures I have no matter what!

I miss my grandmum...I can't imagine how life would be without her...she's been such a constant that the days when she answers the phone and tells me about the latest story about Jerry, I can't help but laugh. I miss her cooking, her caring, her love.

I miss the time when I felt I was invincible.I know I falter now and miserably at it..but miss the time when I thought I could do just about anything and happiness would never elude me!! I miss school when I was a bright eyed kid who looked forward to English, Science, History and Basketball. I miss that innocence, those dreams of aspiring to be a singer, a vet, a criminal journalist and join the armed forces all at the same tine. Why now are dreams restricted to practicality? Why now do dreams come with a time capsule and a constant ticking of clock?

I miss the wind in my face when I would cycle down to school, come home, drop my stuff and cycle again around the neighborhood. Life was so simple ( Yes, I know it's as simple as you make it..but groan!!) It didn't matter really whether purple looks good on me or my hair looks better with more volume! I did not care. I enjoyed my simplicity and all the looks I got because of it. Why now do I feel the glares on my back? Why now do I care when some random person judges me? Why do I let them to get away with it?

I miss the honesty childhood had. Not being afraid what the neighbor would say as long as Dad knew I'm good. Doing my homework on time, studying with a passion of being someone when I grow up. Raise up my hand with a unflinching confidence despite the murmurs of the bird brains around. The friends who have stayed through time and have never a mean word to say. Miss the times when it really didn't matter whether you spoke a certain way to feel accepted, you dressed just for yourself, you played simple games without malice, no one broke your trust, no one made you feel stupid, no one questioned your loyalty, no one judged you for singing out loud in the middle of nowhere when u had a song in your heat.

I miss a lot more things. A talk by someone I respect reminded me that sometimes in all the rush of being someone, I have neglected the person I am. I let myself be one among the crowd though i hate every minute of it. I let the rest judge me when they have no clue of who I am. I grew to be alright being second when all my life I knew nothing but to be the best at what I do. I am accountable to myself. My integrity. Have I let it drop just a bit? I don't know. But really, since when did I become the frog in the well, the one whose laughter is lost in the crowd, whose voice is but an echo?

I realized that I really don't care what you think of me. Since a young girl the only person I lived to please was my Dadu. Why then should I bother trying to do or say things you want me to say? I finish on a satisfied note. Too much time has already been wasted..the reins are now mine.

"How much more there is now to living! Instead if our drab slogging forth and back to the fishing boats, there's reason to life! We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures of excellence and intelligence and skill. We can be free! We can learn to fly!''