Bavra Mann

This song is from one of the finest movies 'Hazaaron Khwaishein Aisi'. With this year coming to an end, I'm sitting up after reading and thinking 'what else is coming my way?'.

I have had an eventful year to say the least..simple joys, exuberant celebrations, disappointments, failure, tears, small tiffs, fun vacations..in short.. everything came by that sums up life. In all likelihood, I will be here in Hyd on New Yr's eve. With most of my friends home for a nice, long vacation, my family enjoying the rain make music on the roof of my Kerala home, my sis looking to finally start life in Blr, I will be right here, reading my books and listening to my songs.

These past couple of months, I have been reading with a vengeance making up for the lost time when I stopped reading in Hyd. Books in store: Kiran Desai's 'Inheritance of Loss' and ' The witch of Portebello'. Books next on the list- 'Secret life of Bees' and 'On Beauty'.

On New Yr's eve I know for sure, I will not spend time on the idiot box watching some silly Bollywood starlet shake her hips in funny costumes. I'm looking forward to start the year doing what I love- a nice walk in the terrace, some chai, maybe even go for a walk by the lake and finish my books. Yes, there will be an effort to wake up early and see the first sunrise of the New Year. I may be alone but still have my thoughts keeping me company.

So, while I make these plans of being by myself and having a nice time..I'm reminded of a long made promise. A promise to myself that one day I will have my own little place by the lake in Ladakh. Calm, secluded, blissful. I will sit by that lake shore, make my yummy chai, go on long treks with no maps and read my truck load of books.

Bavre se nain chahe, bavre jharokon se, bace nazaaron ko takna! Until then, I'll just hum this song!

Posting this song while singing it.

Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna

Bavre Se Mann, Ki Dekho Bavri Hain Baatein

Bavri Se Dhadkaane Hain, Bavri Hain Saansen

Bavri Si Karwaton Se, Nindiya Door Bhaage

Bavre Se Nain Chaahe, Bavre Jharokhon Se,

Bavre Nazaron Ko Takna. Bavra Mann Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna.

Bavre Se Is Jahan Main Bavra Ek Saath Ho

Is Sayani Bheed Main Bas Haathon Mein Tera Haath Ho

Bavri Si Dhun Ho Koi, Bavra Ek Raag Ho

Bavre Se Pair Chahen, Baavron Tarano Ke, Bavre Se Bol Pe Thirakna.

Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna.

Bavra Sa Ho Andhera, Bavri Khamoshiyan

Thartharati Low Ho Maddham, Bavri Madhoshiyan

Bavra Ek Ghooghta Chahe, Haule Haule Bin Bataye,

Bavre Se Mukhde Se Sarakana,

Bavra Mann, Dekhne Chala Ek Sapna.

Clutterd Clarity.

Why do those who claim to be strong need something to hold on to? Why do we get insecure about those we love? Why do we question another's happiness just because we aren't a part of it or had no role to play in it? Why is a new friend considered an intruder sometimes? Why is it essential to make claims of your love? Why do we make sure the world knows what we think of when it does not really matter? Why do we judge someone at first sight? Why should every relation have a name attached to it? Why is something we do not agree with termed as wrong? Why do we get jealous when we see new friendship blossom? Why does it annoy when phone calls go unreturned? Why is it essential for your gift to be the best another's received? Why do we compete to be important to someone? Why is so difficult to let go? Why is another's freedom a choice we think is alright for us to make? Why do we hold hands regardless of whether they want to be set free? Why do we have to fix things that don't need to be mended? Why can't we let solitude to be relished? Why are simple pleasures considered madness? Why is a hug sometimes like a noose that strangles? How can words be framed to deliberately cause pain? Why is it hard to accept the love is not ours? How can it be simple to sing a stolen song? Why can't we break free? From the heart that blinds us. From the mind that refuses to be silent? From those who hurt us. From those who hate us. From those you can cannot forgive nor forge. From the love that was stolen. From the friend who departed. From those who tamper with our dreams? From those who laugh at our beliefs. From those who hugged and stabbed. From those who loved and forgot.

Living by myself made me question things I took for granted. I never knew that sometimes, you need to hold on tight else it slips away. You will be left looking at the drifting sand from the gaps of your fist. You think everything is going fine when it was just the calm before the storm. You think everyone's simple and honest when they could be prodding all along. It dawns on you that you are a bad judge of people. Nothing can be accepted for being what it is. Like the truth sometimes, everything is layered. Every peel you tear, unfolds a new tale. Clarity is like a muffled drum. When the chaos subsides, the low hum resounds. The cluttered cobweb of thoughts may block the sunshine. Happiness seems to be like a bubble waiting to burst.

Can we swim ashore away from these questions? Is there anyone who can answer them? Is life really as simple or complicated as you make it to be?

Julie & Julia.

After many weekends here at Hyd, this Sunday my alarm went off at 6.15 in the morning. It was to be a rare Sunday when I would wake up early and go for a long walk. Surprisingly when I went to awake my room mates this morning, they all actually woke up and got ready to leave just in time. After a long walk which lasted till lunch, I got home to rest. That is when I saw this incredibly delightful movie- 'Julie & Julia'. It draws parallels from two true stories and I had a great afternoon just by myself, smiling at the my laptop screen. I started the movie loving Meryl Streep and finished it loving Julia Child.

I don't want to review it. Simply put, this movie will not disappoint those who liked 'Sleepless in Seattle' and ' You've got mail'. I posting this because this movie made me think a minute about my life. Both the women in the movie have a job. Julia after learning to make hats and playing bridge, decided that she would join a French cooking class. Her reasoning was very simple. Her husband had been transferred to Paris for a four year assignment. While he is busy with his work, she asks him one day "But what should I do?" He asks her about what she absolutely loves doing. Without batting an eye she says "Oh, I love to eat". That very honest acceptance lead to cooking classes and then writing the famous cook book "Mastering the art of French cooking".

Julie, the other protagonist is a self proclaimed failed author. She has a job that makes her cringe, has a husband who is always loving and a tiny home above a pizzeria that is always noisy. Her life has nothing to make her happy. She decides one day to give herself something to keep her occupied and make her happy at the same time. She will cook 524 of Julia Child's recipes in 365 days and blog about it. Why cook you may ask? Only because, when she has had a horrible day, she feels blissful cooking mushroom with butter, cheese and pork.

Though not generally unhappy, these two not-so-young-anymore women aren’t exactly sure what a satisfying life might be, but they know this ain’t it. Both Julie and Julia choose to do something that they got laughed at for. But it brought them and those that they cared for a lot of happiness, simple pleasures of life. Having been a vegetarian all my life, I couldn't help thinking to myself just how delicious would that Beef Bourguignon have tasted? I could smell that heavenly aroma of melted cheese and mayonnaise!

I asked to myself "what should I do?" That led to some more confused questions. Since a week now, I have realized that whatever it is that I should be doing, it certainly is not how I am leading my life currently. Yes, I have some great friends to share my laughter and tears, a job that pays me and a comfortable house. But, there is still this dissatisfied girl in me. I may be asking for too much maybe, but i want my happiness. I want to love each day when i wake up to do something I absolutely love! I don't want to work and crib, I want to do something that comes naturally to me and be thankful.

Now, that I did realize it, I am going to take some time off just to be with those thoughts and figure out which path I want to lead my life to. When I grow older and sip chai in that little house by the lake in Ladakh, I want to look back at the choices I made and not regret any of them. Not because now there is money, or fame, or any such trivialities, but simply because that is a new smile!

I am going to make those choices soon. Choices which will not be questioned by me, choices that will take my passion and convert it to joy. Choices I will take independently, intelligently to make those dreams come to life!

Some day, some way.

Before I start, the movie ‘Bucketlist’ had nothing to do with this. If you knew me well, you would have listened to it before. I may have made many grammatical errors as well while writing this..but for the first time…I don’t care!

We all have things we want to do. Buy that car, own that dress, earn that moolah. I want to experience these places. They have been on my mind forever and putting them down on paper just had to happen one day. In no particular order, I will go see them one day.

Greece- The birthplace of the Olympics, the ancient city where Zeus was king. The fascinating stories of Sparta, Athens and Corinth. The stories of Alexander and his horse, Narcissist and Echo, the Trojan war. Greece, where the sand is so white and fine, it almost seems pure.

The Pyramids- Just how strong and clever were the people of this civilization? How did they learn and patiently lay every stone which left man baffled ever since? The legend of the Sphinx. The aroma of sheesha in the crowded alleys. The pharaohs and the ancient myths. There’s this poem I remember from school- ‘Ozymandias’. I would picture standing by the pyramids when I read those lines.

The African Safari- I have nothing much to say. It’s just one of those things I must do!! Africa is an experience! Then go see Nelson Mandela’s cell!

Italy- The smell of vineyards, the aroma of freshly baked bread dipped in olive oil! The first time this place caught my eye was when I read Mario Puzzo’s claim to fame from Hell’s kitchen- ‘The Godfather’. I could picture the words Michael Corleone used to describe the little village in Sicily. I just have to see this paradise! Florence and Venice. The gondola rides and the masked performers!

Rome and The Vatican- Every city has its history. This just leaves me in awe! Rome is Caesar, Brutus and Marc Anthony. Rome is sipping coffee by the Spanish steps, the Colosseum where gladiators defended their pride. Vatican- that city is like walking through a dream! Of Galileo, Michaelanglo and Bernini. The St. Peter’s square and the Basicila, the thousands of small churches each with their own little story! Sigh!!

The Louvre- It doesn’t need more explanation . To walk the longest hallway and be surrounded by works of the masters! Sigh! The chapel of Notre Dame and climbing up the highest level of the Eiffel tower.

Scotland- A few years ago, there came a movie about William Wallace where Mel Gibson played the brave Scot. The lush green meadows where the air is so pure that you learn to breathe right! Scotland for drowning my happiness with a Scotch and watch the dancing men with bagpipes and their kilts.

The Alps- I think my first memory of them was that incredible movie ‘Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge’! Thank you Yash Raj for featuring that beautiful place. Zurich, Bern, Mt. Titlus and gettinh lost in The Alps. Switzerland is where I will actually meet that cow I refer to as ‘Isabel’!

The Taj- Can a man really love his wife as much as the story of The Taj!! How beautiful will it actually be when I see it in person? Will I like those million visitors admire it with awe and click pictures on that bench? I can’t wait to find out!

The Andamans- I can’t swim. Perhaps, this place will make me want to learn it and get over my fear of drowning! The clear blue ocean, the sand beneath, snorkeling and staying far far away from any kind of hustle bustle!

Leh, Ladakh – My most personal of all the place I want to see. There is something about Leh that fascinates me to no end. I cant seem to iunderstand what it is and neither do I know if I would survive there. But my house by that little lake will one day be my reality! I will be so far away that nothing could pollute my very own jannat!

An Inside view.

I turn a year older soon. When you are a carefree kid and you see these folks running around always seeming busy, how they have to get to work on time; you can’t wait to know how it feels like to be one of them. But hate to accept that you will outgrow your fav. pair of jeans before you realize.

When I was 16, I was gawky, wore sneakers with baggy pants, didn’t own a pair of black heels ( what’s the point? I’d fall flat if I did try to walk in them!). Had a knapsack that continues to remain loyal n hasn torn or given away the zippers, didn’t care about my outta control wavy hair, went to the libraray n made notes with dfferent colored pens in a neat writing after searching the shelves for a new book to read, had doubts which were always answered with a li’l twitch of the head, didn’t see the logic behind math, dreamt of being a war correspondent on tv, read every book I could lay my hands on, stole some of those restricted reads from my sis’ cupboard, didn’t have a crush on anyone I knew- alas can’t count Milind Soman, Rahul Bose, George Clooney and Rahul Khanna as men I know! The last straw came with the doc telling me that m short sighted n need to wear glasses! I got used to them quite quickly though, despite all the cursing under my breathe that I had to wear them!

I sometimes see that teen now, while im waiting for a signal to turn green, when I drift away staring at nothing with a hot beverage, when I happen to flip through some old pictures. I see that smile that didn’t have a reason behind it, I see those eyes with a thousand dreams. I wonder what happened of her?

I want to talk to her and maybe show her who she is today. She’s a young woman who remained the same, who also changed. It’s always the same story, it’s also a different one. She no longer goes to college, but loves her books with the same passion. She wears those black heels sometimes but God knows wishes she could damn well wear her sneakers with that new clingy top. She has bags in beautiful colors that she adores but that knapsack remains an o’l favourite. She doesn’t bring pen to paper often, but types her mails to friends in different colors with italics! She can go ahead and buy that book straight off the shelf from Crossword but takes guilty pleasure in reading Calvin n Hobbes and short stories while ‘browsing’ thru the store. She has lenses she paid for herself but is reminded she cant do without her red framed glasses when she’s stuck in downpour. She knows the men she has crushes on, she will still smile when news of Milind Soman dumping his latest find is printed by the scribes. It’s always the same story, it’s also a different one.

I also want to tell that gawky teen this: The young woman today is independent, a dreamer still but with will enough to realize those dreams. She’s drawn to making her destiny with a commitment to herself that is devoid of any lie. She’s met some amazing people, some people who weren’t so great, some intelligent freaks, some dim wit geeks, made friends for life. She’s laughed till her tummy hurt, cried till those eyes were swollen like a toad’s. She’s had her share of success, her share of pitfalls that stripped her off the confidence she so swore she had. Took some radical decisions, some that left a lot to be said. She made new friends, never forgot the ones that stood by her. She still thinks her dad is next only to God. She didn’t become all that she envisioned herself to be, she did things she wouldn’t have even dared to see. She no longer wishes to change the world. She has one of her own which she walks tall in with family and friends she holds close.

I want to tell her that growing up wasn’t as scary as she feared and was every bit as exciting as she had hoped. Whenever she’s ready to walk across to the world of grown ups, I want to tell her, that I will be there, to hold her hand. Together we shall wade through time and live our lives without those tinted rosy shades. We shall glide to a place so fine, where rainbows end and joy shall be mine!

Redemption

“ Consider them both, the sea and the land; and do you not find a strange analogy to something in yourself? For as this apalling ocean surrounds the verdant land, so in the soul of man there lies one insular Tahiti, full of peace and joy, but encompassed by all the horrors of the half known life. God keep thee! Push not off from that isle, thou canst never return.”

- Herma Melville, Moby Dick.

Moby Dick was one complex book. If I read it now perhaps, it would give me a whole new meaning I did not quite see earlier. Isn’t that how quiet life is as well? Each time, there’s a reason to rejoice, every moment of despair, of success and failure, of laughter and unexplained anxiety, of tears and fears; life does not wait and watch..it moves on and you just have to traverse along.

Hope is a very good thing and goodness never dies. That scene from ‘Shawshank Redemption’ will always play in my head. While I’m sitting at home on a break from work, my mind is cluttered with a million thoughts. One of which forced me to give it words. I believe in my principles. They haven’t been rewarding always but then these are things I trust in which are not dependent on what they give me in return. I may never be as strong as Howard Roark of ‘Fountainhead’ whose integrity was as unyileding as granite. I have my fears, I worry a lot and am pessimistic about certain things. But I also am fiercely independent and will not change my core beliefs no matter how I’m told to otherwise by the wise world.

Don’t let anyone take the music away your head, your heart. Its yours and no one can destroy it. There’s an island of my dreams, my hopes and my believes. No horrors can steal it from me if I hold on to it. I have questioned others luck and my misfortunes with it. I, like the normal person, gave up, spitting at my own fate and damning existence; that requires a breakdown of principles. Some give up at the first touch of pressure, some sell out, lose their fire, never realizing how and when they lost it. Then all of it vanishes in the vast swamp of society which tells them that maturity is abandoning the emotions of the heart; security; practicality and keeping your eyes and ears open to new ways of clawing your way up the ladder. Yet, a few hold on, knowing that the fire in you is not to be betrayed for the sake of fitting in with the more successful world. They will cry their eyes out at the bubble of dreams that burst. They will learn to give their hopes a shape, a purpose. It does not matter that only a few will learn to respect the voice from within which refuses to join the mad chorus outside- and the rest will betray it, shut it as the voice of the weak hearted. It is those few that move the world and give life its new meaning. I am a normal girl, who always did her homework on time, who rarely got caught doing mischief, who listened to her folks breathe down the neck sometimes and still never forgot to respect them. My journey is far from those happily ever after tales. I don’t know whether it would ever account for. But this I know, that no matter how many times life gives me a tough ride with new faces or ordeals, I will just have to keep my hope alive. I will redeem, I will be free of my fears. Every man has just one destiny. Each time I break, I just have to keep telling myself that. My dad didn’t name me after talent for nothing. I have a destiny, a hope as unflinching as my trust in God. A core which no one can steal. I will make my destiny and my peace- sooner or later. I will remain those few who may be rediculed for holding on tight to their hopes and their dreams. I am willing to not discuss my luck or the lack of it but work hard to not give up on what is my right- my right to happiness. That will remain mine, just beneath my wings of hope!

I may remain conflicted with the world that defines the success and failure of another, but at complete peace with myself.