Love Actually.

I am currently reading this book called 'Committed'. It's about 2 people who make their peace with marriage. The idea of marriage, of being with someone for the rest of your life, sharing your deepest fears with another, living your whole life with that one person is quite scary. I am for fidelity and loyalty in a relationship..but do you have to solemnize that loyalty by marriage? I remain conflicted on that thought.

My deepest fear about marriage perhaps is what if the one I marry is not the one who was meant to be mine? What if I wake up to it and then life becomes one big compromise which I have to spend with a fake smile? Or what if I am very happy with the man I wed and after a few years, we both get bored of each other's constant presence? What happens then? How do couples fix such things and continue to be in love? Too many questions, some fears and some paranoia. But, on the safer side, I don't see myself getting into that tussle any time soon. There are far more important details that need my attention. It mite happen one day maybe, maybe it wont..will worry when I actually have to make a decision.

For now, I am happy reading about such things, dreaming about my life to be, and picturing the scenes in my head. While I was reading 'Love at the time of cholera', I would put the book down after a couple of chapters. It was too much for me to take in all at once! I loved the book alright, but there was so much love, longing, passion, loyalty and patience between those lines that I could not handle too much of it!

Can there exist a love so pure in today's world? Can 2 people who love and respect each other remain that way all their lives with everything else around them constantly changing? Some more questions were thrown into my tiny brain!

Now as I am reading this latest book all of these thoughts come by and find their parking spot in my head again. When I read 'Brida', I was convinced with what I read.

~ An excerpt: "We are eternal because we are all manifestations of God. That is why we go through many lives and many deaths, emerging out of some unknown place and going toward another equally unknown place. In certain reincarnations, we divide into two. when a soul divides, it always divides into a male part and a female part. In each life, we feel a mysterious obligation to find at least one of those Soulmates. The Greater Love that separated them feels pleased with the Love that brings them together again. We can also allow our Soulmate to pass us by, without accepting him or her, or even noticing."

It was a beautiful thought. It almost even seemed true. Would I be one of those hearts that found its rightful soul mate or will I wander in search of eternal love?

" You complete me". This line is eternally popular but my question always was did it imply that until you found this whoever, you were walking around living your life as an incomplete individual?

Now, a few chapters ago in 'Committed' I read another interesting story. That was what triggered me to open my laptop and start typing. It describes a famous dinner party during which the playwright Aristophanes lays out the mythical story of why we humans have such deep longings for union with each other, and why our acts of union can sometimes be so unsatisfying and destructive.

Aristophanes narrates that a long time ago humans did not look like the way we look today. We each had 2 heads, 4 arms and 4 legs. We walked as 2 people together, united. This happened in 3 possible ways: male/female bonding, male/male bonding and female/female bonding. Sewn together with the one meant for us, we were all very happy, content and there was no conflict as one whole.

In our happiness though we forgot God. So Zeus punished us all. He cut those perfect humans and ripped them into two 1 headed, 2 limbed, 2 armed miserable individuals. Since then, humans entered this world thinking that they are missing their lost half. We are constantly looking out for that soul mate who once ripped apart from us is somewhere searching for us as well. We are convinced that in seeking our missing partner, we would one day find them and be free of the loneliness that we are drowning otherwise in. We are led to believe that someday, somehow one plus one would be equal to one. A whole that is perfect, content, happy and complete.

This story got me thinking for a long time. I remembered all those lines in romantic movies where the leads would sing and cry and convince their sweet hearts that they were meant to be together as one!

My idea of romance is my own. The chocolates, flowers, teddies and mush poems that work their magic on screen do not gel with me. I am believer of love. Oh yes, i am old school. I believe there is a person who will sweep me off my feet. I believe in that feeling of rush, when all I can see is that one person, when nothing else would matter around us, when there will be violins playing in my head! There will be a day when I tell people of how it happened and what about him caught my eye! We will have our own happily ever after. But I don't need that one special individual to complete me.

I am one whole and being with the man I love will be an experience we both will share as 2 individual, mature adults who respect one another. Who understand that as 2 different people, there may be 2 or more different conflicting ideas but you can still live in harmony with 2 such different opinions. Our fears, our insecurities and our questions would be shared but they would still remain our own. I think that over time, love means different things. To be with the one who shares my thoughts as my own would be something I'd cherish. Someone, who supports me when I say that sometimes, just maybe one plus one could be two.

" Suhani suhani hai yeh kahani

Jo khamoshi sunaati hai
Jise tune chaha hoga woh tera
Mujhe woh yeh batati hai
Main magan hoon par na jaanu
Kab aane wala hai woh pal
Jab haule haule dheere dheere
Khilega dil ka yeh kamal "

Rhythm of the falling rain

It was a Fri evening. I'd had a rather difficult week at work and couldn't wait but to shut my laptop, grab my bag and get the hell out of office. Throughout the day, I kept gazing outside from the balcony..watching the rain come down. It was not a heavy downpour. Almost felt like the heavens were romancing the ground with light showers, violins playing in the background. I couldn't wait to get out and feel the breeze. Dreamy as I am, I got back to my desk and thought about well...the rains.

I've heard from somewhere that people get contemplative on watching the sunset and the sunrise. I'd like to add the rains to that list. Back in my PU college days, there was this particular weather that I called the 'kuch toh hua hai' weather. It was the year 'Kal Ho na ho' had released and that song was my then fav. That weather if I defined it would be a day in spring. When the sun was not cruel, when the breeze would hit your hair while you walked down the road, a light drizzle, a song on your mind and nothing that passed by could make you sad.

I stared at my laptop..no work was getting done anyway. I thought why not dream some more! What is it about the rains that I love the most? I sat down and put down my thoughts on paper. I can't stand that feeling of being soaked to the bone by the rains, when the clothes stick to you, water being splashed by the moronic drivers, horrible traffic jams, flooded roads, dirty feet!!

But that's not what I thought about while making my list of what is great about the rains. I am the kind who enjoys the light drizzle and can watch the rain come down mercilessly from the comfort of my window. These are some of the random things I totally love about those light showers.

* Listening to the thunderclaps. It is like a battle between the Gods- the sounds, the cracks in the clouds and finally one of them burst and let go of their inhibitions in the form of the rain.

* Getting wet in the drizzle. Watching the trees turn greener and the rising smell of wet mud.

* Watching school kids run around in their colorful raincoats and umbrellas. I remember now how excited that tiny brat of my nephew got seeing his first raincoat. It was blue with some red prints on it. Really cute! Sigh..now I miss my raincoats and I miss school!

* Making paper boats and racing them down stairs from the terrace! That joy when another's boat collapses and your's goes all the way down to the last step!

* My granny's mouth watering bhajjis with ketchup! It's but understood when the clouds rumble and the showers come, I will throw kiddish tantrums about how badly I want 'something' hot and yummy to eat!

* Watching the rain from the window as it makes tiny puddles. The rain drops you catch in your hand sometimes and smile for no reason at all!

* Listening to songs that make you light headed. Singing out loud to no one in particular and enjoying your own voice sometimes. Those all time favorites that are breezy, happy and contemplative.

* Reading a book and slurping on chai. Tea of any kind tastes extra yum when it rains! I can't explain that feeling in words. It's calming, soothing and uplifting all at the same time. And somehow at that moment, coffee just won't work! It has to be chai! I think of my neatly stacked up bookshelf at home with all the books I have got since coming to Hyd and there is a very satisfied smile on my face!

* The rainbow. After the light spell of rain, when the sun shines again, the 7 colors play a quiet game of hide and seek. There was this one time as a kid, while playing on my terrace with my dog, my sis called out to show me this massive rainbow that was just perfectly arched! I kept asking her how big this rainbow actually was and where would it end?

* Talking to a loved one while listening to the rain make music with the roof or the window pane.

More often than not, when it rains..this one song becomes my song for the rest of the day. It will keep playing in my head.

Yes, I am stuck indoors with a laptop screen for company. But that doesn't stop me from smiling and humming my song for that moment.

Boondon ke motiyon mein

Khul ke ehsaas aaya

Waqt se nikhal ke lamha dil ke paas aaya

Chooke guzra tha par

dil ko na mehsus hua

Ab jo dekha to woh lamha dil ko raaz aaya

Yu ke teeh kar naa pao re

Dil ki baat main hawa ke zariye pahunchao re

Ya khud hawa pe chalke aao re..

Tum se pyar hai yeh khul ke

jin mein keh paao re

Lafz woh kahaan se laoo re!!