This post comes after a lot of random thoughts. The past couple of weeks have been mad, extremely joyful, small sparks of silent smiles, hope to me...to another, hurt, sorrow, failure, despise, anger, confusion, questionable relations...a gamut of emotions.
Right now, I feel like sitting down and writing about things that I miss. Well, not miss and be weepy about them but things I respect and the very thought of which can make me smile. I need to put them down as they are running in my head to be over with it..just spilling it out reminds me of the treasures I have no matter what!
I miss my grandmum...I can't imagine how life would be without her...she's been such a constant that the days when she answers the phone and tells me about the latest story about Jerry, I can't help but laugh. I miss her cooking, her caring, her love.
I miss the time when I felt I was invincible.I know I falter now and miserably at it..but miss the time when I thought I could do just about anything and happiness would never elude me!! I miss school when I was a bright eyed kid who looked forward to English, Science, History and Basketball. I miss that innocence, those dreams of aspiring to be a singer, a vet, a criminal journalist and join the armed forces all at the same tine. Why now are dreams restricted to practicality? Why now do dreams come with a time capsule and a constant ticking of clock?
I miss the wind in my face when I would cycle down to school, come home, drop my stuff and cycle again around the neighborhood. Life was so simple ( Yes, I know it's as simple as you make it..but groan!!) It didn't matter really whether purple looks good on me or my hair looks better with more volume! I did not care. I enjoyed my simplicity and all the looks I got because of it. Why now do I feel the glares on my back? Why now do I care when some random person judges me? Why do I let them to get away with it?
I miss the honesty childhood had. Not being afraid what the neighbor would say as long as Dad knew I'm good. Doing my homework on time, studying with a passion of being someone when I grow up. Raise up my hand with a unflinching confidence despite the murmurs of the bird brains around. The friends who have stayed through time and have never a mean word to say. Miss the times when it really didn't matter whether you spoke a certain way to feel accepted, you dressed just for yourself, you played simple games without malice, no one broke your trust, no one made you feel stupid, no one questioned your loyalty, no one judged you for singing out loud in the middle of nowhere when u had a song in your heat.
I miss a lot more things. A talk by someone I respect reminded me that sometimes in all the rush of being someone, I have neglected the person I am. I let myself be one among the crowd though i hate every minute of it. I let the rest judge me when they have no clue of who I am. I grew to be alright being second when all my life I knew nothing but to be the best at what I do. I am accountable to myself. My integrity. Have I let it drop just a bit? I don't know. But really, since when did I become the frog in the well, the one whose laughter is lost in the crowd, whose voice is but an echo?
I realized that I really don't care what you think of me. Since a young girl the only person I lived to please was my Dadu. Why then should I bother trying to do or say things you want me to say? I finish on a satisfied note. Too much time has already been wasted..the reins are now mine.
"How much more there is now to living! Instead if our drab slogging forth and back to the fishing boats, there's reason to life! We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures of excellence and intelligence and skill. We can be free! We can learn to fly!''
